美国加州大学本科申请Essay写作例文点评

　　加州大学申请系统是包括伯克利分校、洛杉矶分校、圣巴巴拉分校等加州大学十个校区共用的申请系统。因此,在申请加州大学本科时,不论申请者要申请几所学校,只需完成一份essay就好了。

　　申请加州大学本科需要写两篇essay,以下,毕达留学指南就为大家列举某位同学写的加州大学本科申请essay第一题的essay例文及相关点评,希望同学们能取长补短：

　　加州大学本科申请essay 1题目：

　　describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

　　描述一下你的成长环境,比如你的家庭,社区或学校,并说明这个环境对塑造你的理想与抱负有何影响。

　　加州大学本科申请essay 1写作例文：

　　a small city surrounded by three highways, farmland, multiple housing developments, and with an official city motto of "think inside the triangle", is hardly where one would expect to find an aspiring orthopedic surgeon. however, these conditions, along with the support of my family, my cultures, and my unique personal experiences, have shaped me into a responsible, determined, and knowledgeable student and leader.

　　being a member of a family of nine has given me insight into my goals and aspirations, as well as learning what is necessary to reach them. as the second oldest of seven children, i have always had a certain high expectation of leadership, responsibility and service placed upon me. as an older sibling, my younger brothers and sisters look to me for guidance, service, and as a role model. whether it be babysitting, helping with homework, or lending an extra hand around the house, i have learned the value in helping others and setting priorities. these expectations have also been present at school, where i participated in key club, and on the soccer field, where i was jv captain, and a varsity player. these experiences have not only shaped the person i am today, but also the person i want to be in the future.

　　around my house, the authentic filipino paintings give a strong sense of my filipino culture. my mother, who is the daughter of a u.s. navy man from the philippines, along with my father, have instilled in me an understanding of the value of diversity. in my travels through europe, canada, the united states, latin america, and asia, i have acquired a broad perspective of the many types of people in the world. my mother has always focused on the importance of relationships, while my father stressed a good work ethic and efficiency. both have especially pushed for high level of achievement in both school and extracurricular activities. my fathers career as a doctor has fueled my interest in science, and has taught me the hardships and joys of being a physician. with these high expectations, i have learned to manage time, be disciplined, and push myself to higher levels. as i strive to go into the medical field, my role in my family has made me realize that a career is not only about success, but about using the gifts i have been given, and the knowledge i have gained, to be used for the benefit of the less fortunate not only in my community, but in the world overall.

　　加州大学本科申请essay 1写作例文点评：

　　while youve listed very nice accolades and achievements, not once in the essay do you mention something specific, and while i know your environment, i still dont know anything about you. i know its going to sound weird, but you want to stop treating this as like a "job qualifications list" where you list all your achievements, and instead delve more in to your life, mention something specific. i see that youve been exposed to many different cultures, talk about one of your experiences in one of those continents! they already have your list of grades and awards and achievements that you mentioned earlier in your application, this is the time where they get to know you personally!

　　for example

　　these expectations have also been present at school, where i participated in key club, and on the soccer field, where i was jv captain, and a varsity player. these experiences have not only shaped the person i am today, but also the person i want to be in the future.

　　while they tell me you were in key club and a captain and player of the soccer team, it doesnt tell me anything about you personally, so even though i read these two sentences about you, my thoughts on you are still at the same place as before.

　　"around my house, the authentic filipino paintings give a strong sense of my filipino culture." is one of the strongest sentences you have in the essay, i suggest to build more off of it, expand!

　　"a small city surrounded by three highways, farmland, multiple housing developments, and with an official city motto of "think inside the triangle", is hardly where one would expect to find an aspiring orthopedic surgeon. however, these conditions, along with the support of my family, my cultures, and my unique personal experiences, have shaped me into a responsible, determined, and knowledgeable student and leader"

　　again, all of this sounds like filler, its way too general! your beginning sentence is alright, but use it to base the rest of that chunk. go more in depth about "think inside the triangle", about your aspirations to become a surgeon.

　　以上就是申请加州大学本科是所要写的第一篇essay,希望以上的例文具体与点评对大家有所帮助。